Selfish me

Two sleeps to go until I lose 75% of my stomach. I have to admit I had a little melt down Saturday morning. So much of this process is about getting your head in the right place and I am worried about how that will go after surgery.

Andrew told me I was being a very selfish person at the moment and I am. I have to focus on me. I have to get me to the right place before I have this surgery so I’m in the right place to cope post op. So that means I’m not being a particularly involved wife and mother at the moment so be it.

I am stressing a bit about eating properly post sleeve. I have had eating disorders before and know it can be an easy slippery slope to fall down. I don’t want that happening this time. This isn’t about being thin, it’s about being healthy. I’m going to aim to focus more on the health numbers, my BSL, BP, and cholesterol being normal more than what the scales, and the mirror, say. Mind you that’s easier said than done!

Part of this is keeping my eye on the prize which is being able to be more active and spend time with my family. I realised this week that Amelia won’t remember fat nanna since she’s only 6 weeks old.

I’m on a countdown of optigag shakes – one more for breakfast tomorrow then I’m never touching them again. I’ve made chicken broth in the slow cooker and have a lamb, rosemary and garlic one in there now. Something to look forward to post op. My bag is half packed so I’m nearly ready.

So this will be last post pre op. I’ll see you on the flip side.

 

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Crunch Time

Earlier this year I discovered I was going to be a grandmother and I suddenly realised if I wanted to be a part of my grandchilds life I needed to get my shit together with my health.

I have asthma, type 2 diabetes and sleep apnea and being morbidly obese certainly wasn’t helping any of this. So I decided to research weight loss surgery and decided on a sleeve gastrectomy.

Surgery is booked for the 13 of June – 11 days away and I’m starting to freak a little. I decided that the best way to deal was to vlog it so thats what I’m going to do. Hopefully weekly, just to help keep me on track and so I can look back and see the changes as I don’t think I’ll notice otherwise.

I’m no camera expert so they will be rough and ready, not edited. Maybe it will help others thinking about the surgery or going through the surgery to know that they aren’t alone.

I have to say I do feel a bit like I’m letting the big girls down but I don’t think I’ll ever be skinny – I never have – I just need to be healthier.

#MeToo

Me Too, because of:

  • The man that showed me what a condom was for at 5 years old;
  • The elderly male neighbour who grabbed me to him and kissed me at 10 years old;
  • The man that used my budding breast “to dial Ketchikan” at 12 years old;
  • The boy on the bus who viciously pulled my hair until I undid my jacket so he could see my breasts at 13 years old;
  • The man who told everyone in the room I spent my time “fanny flogging” at 14 years old;
  • The boy at the bus stop who restrained me, groped my breasts and gave me a love bite when I was 15 years old;
  • The man who said “sit on my knee and we’ll talk about the first thing that comes up” while fondling my bum at 16 years old;
  • The father of a friend who looked at my jumper with the Snowy Mountains across my chest and told me he’d like to climb my mountains at 17 years old;
  • The man that showed me his morning glory and told me his wife wouldn’t do anything about it at breakfast when I was 18 years old.

So #MeToo before I was even truly a woman.

 

Spend time doing what you love or with those you love?

A very dear friend lost her husband in tragic circumstances on the weekend while pursuing his hobby away from his family. My heart is breaking for her loss and the little girls that no longer have their daddy.

The thing that struck me is everyone keeps saying “Well at least he died doing what he loved” WTF.

I’ll be honest, I think that at 45 with 4 little girls he shouldn’t have been taking unnecessary risks, regardless of how much he loved doing it. His pursuit of his own happiness has now left the 5 people who loved him the most devastated.

I understand that you must find joy in life but I think it is necessary to find balance. There are times when others needs have to be considered.

For me I want to try and find things I love to do that I can do with those I love.

Grief Stricken

I’ve had bad news today. I read on google that a 44 year old father of 4 from Bendigo had died in a skiing accident. My stomach turned but I tend to jump to conclusions,

Then on the 6pm news Ian’s face appeared. I felt disconnected – why was his face on the tv? Then it came rushing in – Ian Baker killed in ski boat accident, died at scene.

I lost my composure. I sobbed, Andrew yelled at me to calm down, he doesn’t cope well with grief. His family don’t display emotion.

I haven’t seen Ian or Joanne in years. Last time I had contact with Joanne was on my 40th in February when she sent me flowers. Both of us have busy, hectic lives as wives, mothers, workers.

That doesn’t matter. Joanne and I met on our first day of high school and have been friends ever since. Jo was actually visiting me at Uni in Geelong when she met Ian. Our friendship remains regardless of how often we speak, we know that we are thinking of each other.

Tonight my heart is breaking for her and my instinct is to drive to Bendigo to hold her hand. There really isn’t much else I can do. I can’t bring Ian back or turn back time so he doesn’t get on that boat. All I can do is be a presence for Jo, someone to talk to, a shoulder to cry on, someone to make cups of tea.

I don’t know how you cope with losing your partner of over 20 years, the father of your four daughters.

Vale Ian Baker, taken way too soon.

To mother or not to mother

I have a friend, a smart savvy professional woman. She is younger then me, 31, but she has made a decision that she doesn’t want children. My immediate reaction is omg – you’ll get over it, your biological clock will start to tick loudly and you’ll change your mind. Then I stopped and thought – what a huge amount of courage it takes to make that decision.

It actually isn’t selfish (another of my initial thoughts!). Her reasoning is that whatever she does she wants to do wholeheartedly. For her, her professional career is an extremely important part of her self. Having a child would require compromise on both being a professional and being a mother, she isn’t prepared to be half hearted at anything.

In todays society we are often damned if we do and damned if we don’t. There is so much pressure to be a mother and yet we are also expected to participate in the workforce. For many of us financially we have no other choice but to reenter the corporate world after children, often in male dominated careers where it is difficult to break into the boys club when you have to make sure you get to child care by 6pm and then spend the evening cooking, arbitrating, educating and soothing.

Honestly, the more I think about it the more I applaud her decision. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids but I know I’m not a perfect mother and they have had to make sacrifices for my career. Unfortunately for them they didn’t get a choice. Hopefully, regardless of my intense mother guilt, they won’t spend years in a therapist office talking through abandonment issues caused by having a selfish career orientated mum. Instead they will celebrate the fact that they had a strong, inspirational mother who pushed them to be self sufficient and showed that with a bit of determination you can achieve.

The negative in the bed

I attended a conference a while ago and the speaker (I can’t remember who!) said something along the lines of how the person you share a bed with maybe the person in your life who is least confident of your chance of success. I get that. Don’t get me wrong I love my husband but he is very risk adverse. He sees the world with a glass half empty attitude.

For a long time I let his negative and “don’t try something in case you fail” attitude affect my behaviours. My attitude now is to prove him wrong.

As with most things in life you can usually take someones negative and make it your positive.

I’m not going to lie, sometimes it is an uphill battle. It takes determination and resolve to succeed when the person you share a bed with is your biggest critic. Instead of letting it drag me down I use it as the kick in the bum to get up and go.