I’m struggling this week. Not with weight loss, that just seems to happen. I’m struggling with life.
It’s been a week where a lot of old emotions, hurts and memories have been kicked up. Scars opening, scabs ripped off. Sometimes I forget that life isn’t always easy and that even breathing can be hard.
I feel jangled and raw. Look at me the wrong way and I’ll either burst into tears or rip you a new one, maybe even both. Like a poorly tuned violin my nerves are screeching, scalded by my thoughts.
Everything is just too much and I just want to stop. I need to escape. Escape from clients, family, my own body that seems to be letting me down just when I thought I was giving it better care.
It reminds me how important it is to seek help. Trauma never goes away, it just abates and it is amazing how quickly the fear, sadness, guilt, remorse can resurface – even 20 odd years later.
I’m lucky in that my workplace, while incredibly stressful at the minute, is also full of amazing, strong, empathetic women who get that sometimes you just need to fall apart to then come back together stronger.
And I will, it just might take a little bit longer to get the pieces to fit again.
Apparently thats what I am.
My mum reckons I should take some anti depressants, my sister reckons I just have to be nicer to everyone and have discussions like adults (heads up – dealing with teenagers, not rational adults). It’s the good girl message allover again.
I am cranky, I’m irritable and I’m tired. I’m working long hours then trying to be a wife and mother on a Sunday, which includes making a feeble attempt at housework, then trying to find some me time.
What is really going on here – and I’m not sure if it’s me starting to have more confidence post surgery or just peri menopause or a combination of the two is that I’ve stopped being the biddable bitch. That was me. Agreeable, don’t rock the boat, don’t anger anyone, keep the peace, do it all (or do nothing and listen to the complaints as noone else will do it either). Fuck that shit.
I want to have a life, I’m tired of arranging my life to make everyone else happy all the time. Yes, my husband feels threatened. My professional career is going great and I’m thinner than I’ve been in 10 years. That doesn’t mean I have to constantly change who I am so he can cope. And I’m not going to. The adjustment is up to him this time. I love him but being told how to dress, what my opinion should be, and being asked where would I be if not for him, pointing out our ensuite toilet needs cleaning – makes me cranky.
My kids need to pull their weight. I don’t think it’s a big ask to do the dishes, take out the garbage, feed the chooks. I’m not asking them to dust the skirting boards or scrub the floors – just basic tasks because they live here!
And they all need to stop telling me to be less cranky when I just ask them to do something! Then maybe I’ll be less cranky 😉
I’m down, flat, not my bubbly self. It’s that time of the year, middle of winter and tax season and I just feel like I need to find a cave and hibernate for a while. I don’t think it’s sleeve related – although the things I would normally do to cheer myself up aren’t options, which isn’t a bad thing. Binge eating crap might make me feel happy but it doesn’t really make me feel better!
The scales didn’t move for 2 weeks and even though my mantra is “be healthy, not skinny” I still felt quite disheartened. Stalls happen and logically I know this and that the weight will start to go again, and it has, but emotionally it’s back on that why can’t I loose weight cycle. Nearly every second post on any WLS forum is about stalls and how to get through them. It really is an emotional thing for those that have had surgery and then feel like they’re failing. The cry is what am I doing wrong. Really, nothing. Our bodies have gone through major trauma and need some down time and thats whats happening.
Work is nuts. I’m over people and struggling to be nice to people who are rude/ignorant/ just plain stupid. My tolerance and patience are on a very short fuse. By the time I get home, after talking to people all day long, I just want silence and things I don’t have to think about.
Andrew says I’m no fun anymore, in fact a lot of the time I’m a bitch. He seems to think I should be jumping around full of energy but work at the minute takes every last drop I’ve got. My lack of patience and tolerance probably doesn’t help. He is doing all of the cooking and kitchen stuff during the week which is great but we do have 1 adult child and 2 teens in the house who could do a bit more. He’s not great at getting them motivated so when I try he doesn’t back me, ergo no activity.
Andrew hates being alone, he won’t go to the supermarket without company. I need alone time – not want NEED. I don’t cope without some space just to have silence and do my own thing. I’ve always been this way since I was a child. I think this is part of what’s causing tension. He wants my company because he loves me. I want to be alone so I can love him.
I’ll get through this patch. Only a few more weeks of absolute craziness and then tax season winds down. I have some time out of the office over the next few weeks at conferences and CPD days which will help. The sun will come out soon, the weather will warm up and life in general will seem brighter. I just have to not stab anyone until that happens.
Sorry, sorry – I missed last week! It’s crazy time in my office being tax season. At the minute I’m working 10 hour + days and seeing up to 12 people each day for tax returns. Nuts!
Being that work is crazy I’ve let go of my goal of walking for the time being. I am getting a whole lot more incidental exercise. We got some chooks and ducks over the last week so each morning I tramp down the back yard to feed and change their water. Mind you it’s so cold at the moment I can’t feel my fingers while I’m doing it! Also, marching back and forth to the printer at the front of the office and to greet and escort clients to my office so I think the incidental exercise is on the up.
I’m starting to get a little hungry. Not like before where I’d feel like I was going to faint if I didn’t eat. Just niggles and often some protein water chases them away. I’m eating pretty much normal food. Not steak or chops but softer meat and cooked veggies. The only issue I’ve had was some raw cherry tomatoes and I think that is the acid content.
I’m feeling more confident and active. I still get tired really easily – work is draining so by the time I get home it’s eat and off to bed. I’m also finding I’m standing up for myself more. I think when I was so unwell and tired it was easier to roll with the punches so to speak. Now, I’m calling people out if I think their behaviour is not fair.
I can certainly see the difference in my face in this weeks video. I’m sparkly – which I don’t think I’ve been for a long time. Still a long way to go but I am seeing, and feeling the changes and that helps. My 21 year old son reckons I’m looking older the more weight I lose but I don’t care. I’d rather look and old and be healthy than look young and be dying.
Still no regrets 🙂
I attended a conference a while ago and the speaker (I can’t remember who!) said something along the lines of how the person you share a bed with maybe the person in your life who is least confident of your chance of success. I get that. Don’t get me wrong I love my husband but he is very risk adverse. He sees the world with a glass half empty attitude.
For a long time I let his negative and “don’t try something in case you fail” attitude affect my behaviours. My attitude now is to prove him wrong.
As with most things in life you can usually take someones negative and make it your positive.
I’m not going to lie, sometimes it is an uphill battle. It takes determination and resolve to succeed when the person you share a bed with is your biggest critic. Instead of letting it drag me down I use it as the kick in the bum to get up and go.
I’ve decided that I need to make a list of things I want to do on a regular basis – soul food things. A bucket list is all good and well but I need a list to live by so here is my list at the moment:
- See, participate and enjoy live music at least once a month
- Eat a new taste/ cuisine at least once a month
- Cook something new at least once a month
- Get a massage at least once a month
- Read one non fiction book per month
- Read at least one fiction book per month
- Try to have breakfast with Cranky Pants at least 4 mornings per week – this is present breakfast no tv, laptops etc
- Make everyone sit down to a meal together at least twice per week – again being present
- Find something to make me smile and laugh EVERY DAY!
This is my living list, I’m sure it will grow and change but it’s a starting point.