Selfish me

Two sleeps to go until I lose 75% of my stomach. I have to admit I had a little melt down Saturday morning. So much of this process is about getting your head in the right place and I am worried about how that will go after surgery.

Andrew told me I was being a very selfish person at the moment and I am. I have to focus on me. I have to get me to the right place before I have this surgery so I’m in the right place to cope post op. So that means I’m not being a particularly involved wife and mother at the moment so be it.

I am stressing a bit about eating properly post sleeve. I have had eating disorders before and know it can be an easy slippery slope to fall down. I don’t want that happening this time. This isn’t about being thin, it’s about being healthy. I’m going to aim to focus more on the health numbers, my BSL, BP, and cholesterol being normal more than what the scales, and the mirror, say. Mind you that’s easier said than done!

Part of this is keeping my eye on the prize which is being able to be more active and spend time with my family. I realised this week that Amelia won’t remember fat nanna since she’s only 6 weeks old.

I’m on a countdown of optigag shakes – one more for breakfast tomorrow then I’m never touching them again. I’ve made chicken broth in the slow cooker and have a lamb, rosemary and garlic one in there now. Something to look forward to post op. My bag is half packed so I’m nearly ready.

So this will be last post pre op. I’ll see you on the flip side.

 

Life List

I’ve decided that I need to make a list of things I want to do on a regular basis – soul food things. A bucket list is all good and well but I need a list to live by so here is my list at the moment:

  • See, participate and enjoy live music at least once a month
  • Eat a new taste/ cuisine at least once a month
  • Cook something new at least once a month
  • Get a massage at least once a month
  • Read one non fiction book per month
  • Read at least one fiction book per month
  • Try to have breakfast with Cranky Pants at least 4 mornings per week – this is present breakfast no tv, laptops etc
  • Make everyone sit down to a meal together at least twice per week – again being present
  • Find something to make me smile and laugh EVERY DAY!

This is my living list, I’m sure it will grow and change but it’s a starting point.

Gosh – I’m fat?

Really there is no need to point it out. I’m well aware of my size.

What makes people think that those of us who are larger haven’t noticed? I find it quite insulting when doctors, friends etc point out that I’m overweight. I’m fat, not stupid.

My husband is one of the worst. I know he stresses about my health and the effect my weight has on it but looking at me and stating “my god you’re huge” really isn’t helpful, or, “if you would just lose some weight” which I get often from my mum.

I know that my weight has an impact on my health. I am a well educated woman and am quite literate so I can read the studies on health issues that arise from being obese.

Yes, I do have health issues that my weight complicates but some of them are genetic defects that I’m stuck with. Not making excuses, just stating facts.

I’m learning to love myself however I look – that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be healthier. I do have to find the program that works for me and one thing I’m sure it isn’t is lapband so doctors stop pushing that barrow.

At this stage in my life it is what it is, fat chick walking.