I’m down, flat, not my bubbly self. It’s that time of the year, middle of winter and tax season and I just feel like I need to find a cave and hibernate for a while. I don’t think it’s sleeve related – although the things I would normally do to cheer myself up aren’t options, which isn’t a bad thing. Binge eating crap might make me feel happy but it doesn’t really make me feel better!
The scales didn’t move for 2 weeks and even though my mantra is “be healthy, not skinny” I still felt quite disheartened. Stalls happen and logically I know this and that the weight will start to go again, and it has, but emotionally it’s back on that why can’t I loose weight cycle. Nearly every second post on any WLS forum is about stalls and how to get through them. It really is an emotional thing for those that have had surgery and then feel like they’re failing. The cry is what am I doing wrong. Really, nothing. Our bodies have gone through major trauma and need some down time and thats whats happening.
Work is nuts. I’m over people and struggling to be nice to people who are rude/ignorant/ just plain stupid. My tolerance and patience are on a very short fuse. By the time I get home, after talking to people all day long, I just want silence and things I don’t have to think about.
Andrew says I’m no fun anymore, in fact a lot of the time I’m a bitch. He seems to think I should be jumping around full of energy but work at the minute takes every last drop I’ve got. My lack of patience and tolerance probably doesn’t help. He is doing all of the cooking and kitchen stuff during the week which is great but we do have 1 adult child and 2 teens in the house who could do a bit more. He’s not great at getting them motivated so when I try he doesn’t back me, ergo no activity.
Andrew hates being alone, he won’t go to the supermarket without company. I need alone time – not want NEED. I don’t cope without some space just to have silence and do my own thing. I’ve always been this way since I was a child. I think this is part of what’s causing tension. He wants my company because he loves me. I want to be alone so I can love him.
I’ll get through this patch. Only a few more weeks of absolute craziness and then tax season winds down. I have some time out of the office over the next few weeks at conferences and CPD days which will help. The sun will come out soon, the weather will warm up and life in general will seem brighter. I just have to not stab anyone until that happens.
Sorry, sorry – I missed last week! It’s crazy time in my office being tax season. At the minute I’m working 10 hour + days and seeing up to 12 people each day for tax returns. Nuts!
Being that work is crazy I’ve let go of my goal of walking for the time being. I am getting a whole lot more incidental exercise. We got some chooks and ducks over the last week so each morning I tramp down the back yard to feed and change their water. Mind you it’s so cold at the moment I can’t feel my fingers while I’m doing it! Also, marching back and forth to the printer at the front of the office and to greet and escort clients to my office so I think the incidental exercise is on the up.
I’m starting to get a little hungry. Not like before where I’d feel like I was going to faint if I didn’t eat. Just niggles and often some protein water chases them away. I’m eating pretty much normal food. Not steak or chops but softer meat and cooked veggies. The only issue I’ve had was some raw cherry tomatoes and I think that is the acid content.
I’m feeling more confident and active. I still get tired really easily – work is draining so by the time I get home it’s eat and off to bed. I’m also finding I’m standing up for myself more. I think when I was so unwell and tired it was easier to roll with the punches so to speak. Now, I’m calling people out if I think their behaviour is not fair.
I can certainly see the difference in my face in this weeks video. I’m sparkly – which I don’t think I’ve been for a long time. Still a long way to go but I am seeing, and feeling the changes and that helps. My 21 year old son reckons I’m looking older the more weight I lose but I don’t care. I’d rather look and old and be healthy than look young and be dying.
Still no regrets 🙂
So 3 weeks down. This week has been ordinary. Eating pureed food which is easy to overeat and boring in so many ways. Not chewing – just swallowing tiny amounts repetitively until you’re done. I am starting to learn full. It’s tricky when for years I’ve stuffed myself so full was always over full. Now I have to recognise full and stop. If I don’t it hurts!
The scales haven’t moved in the last five days but I really don’t care. I can tell from my clothes that things are changing. a favourite pair of Ariat boots that had always been too tight are now roomy.
I’ve packed up all my expensive plus size clothes that now are too big. I’m not sure what to do with them. A lot of it is suits and work wear, I’m thinking about getting on touch with Dress for Success and see if they are interested in any of it. The other option is a verandah sale when the weather gets better and see if anybody is interested.
I’m still incredibly tired. My goal to walk 30 minutes a day hasn’t happened. I just haven’t had the energy for more than work. I took the day off yesterday and took the teenagers ten pin bowling – then had to have an hour an half nanna nap when we got home!
I’ve started watching Dr Voung on You Tube and also read his VSG book. It did help me realise why I’m so tired. the things we choose for puree are often lacking in nutrition but high in calories. Last night instead I cooked a tiny bit of salmon until it was falling apart and some overcooked broccoli and a brussell sprout. It was delicious and went down fine so hopefully I can focus on some better foods. I also made Andrew and I a green smoothie for breakfast – which didn’t taste like grass!
I’m trying to make Andrew realise as the grocery shopper we don’t need potato chips, lollies, soft drink, chocolate, sweet biscuits ect. AT ALL. I’m getting some pushback as he says I ate them too, and I did, but I didn’t buy them and bring them into the house. I’ve told him if there are no other choices the kids will drink water.
I have to say this isn’t easy – I have been missing food, craving taste and texture this last week. I think it’s partly hormones but I also think a lot of it is head hunger. That wanting to eat for comfort because it’s cold and I’m tired.
This week needs to be a bit of a reset. I need to get better at recognising full, at selecting what food to fill my little tummy with, and I have to get moving.
Onwards and upwards!
Earlier this year I discovered I was going to be a grandmother and I suddenly realised if I wanted to be a part of my grandchilds life I needed to get my shit together with my health.
I have asthma, type 2 diabetes and sleep apnea and being morbidly obese certainly wasn’t helping any of this. So I decided to research weight loss surgery and decided on a sleeve gastrectomy.
Surgery is booked for the 13 of June – 11 days away and I’m starting to freak a little. I decided that the best way to deal was to vlog it so thats what I’m going to do. Hopefully weekly, just to help keep me on track and so I can look back and see the changes as I don’t think I’ll notice otherwise.
I’m no camera expert so they will be rough and ready, not edited. Maybe it will help others thinking about the surgery or going through the surgery to know that they aren’t alone.
I have to say I do feel a bit like I’m letting the big girls down but I don’t think I’ll ever be skinny – I never have – I just need to be healthier.